It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to...

I am not good with expressing my feelings, I am actually not even good at really feeling my feelings. I read so many blogs of angel moms (families who have lost a child) and their words touch me so deeply and I can completely relate to everything they say, but I struggle to put my feelings in my own words. For some reason I have just been down lately. The thing that I hate the most about grief is that it changes every day. Sometimes it feels like Kamdyn just died and the pain is so sharp and so fresh and other days I feel the pain but it is dull and I can move past it. I was reading a blog and she described her grief as being half awake and half asleep and I love that description. I feel like I am there, but something is missing. I cannot count the number of times people have told me that I have changed (I am pretty sure they meant that in a bad way), and I used to try so hard to get back to the person I was until I realized that person doesn't exist anymore. That realization has made a world of difference for me. I am not the Callee I was before I lost Kamdyn, but in many ways I think I have become a better person. I have realized that I have a strong testimony in the gospel and that I have faith. I have never asked "why me?" but I find myself asking a much worse question, "why not them?". When I go to the store and see moms that have no idea where their kids are, or am driving down the road and find little kids laying down in the street and I always think why doesn't something happen to them. It just doesn't make sense to think that all I did was put my baby girl to bed in a safe place and she didn't wake up in the morning. Where is the logic in that? I used to think there must have been something I could do, I should have stayed up all night and watched her sleep and make sure she was breathing, there should have been something I could do. Then I used to think, people always have mothers intuition, why didn't I? Did I have it and just not listen to it, was I not righteous enough to have that prompting? Then I realized that Heavenly Father is in charge. It is up to him to decide who gets to live only five short weeks or who gets to live 100 + years. Even though I know the plan of salvation, and that families are eternal, I still have some down in the dump days. Lately every where I go, I hear some mom talking about how hard it is to have 3 kids, and while I am sure it is a very big challenge, I wish they knew how hard it is to ONLY have 2 children when you would give everything just to have 3 children again. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with this post, but it does feel good to just write some feelings down. Life is not fair, and it is not fair for anyone, so maybe the fact that life is unfair for everyone is what makes things fair.