Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say."

A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice"
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath andcleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start."

I was reading a blog of a couple who lost a little girl in a drowing accident and someone posted this poem and it just touched my heart and brought so many tears to my eyes. I was thinking on Sunday at church, that if Kamdyn were still with us it would have been her first time to go to nursery. I am always thinking about what she would have been like. Easton just cried the first two months he had to go to nursery, would she have done that too or would she have just walked right in and not looked back. We only got a few short weeks to get to know Kamdyn and so it is hard to wonder what she would be like. It is amazing being a Mom, it is amazing how you can instantly love someone the second you hold them or see them for the first time. It is amazing how much you can feel our Heavenly Fathers love when you experience trials that you can't face on your own. I love this poem and I love that I have my own little angel who is also waiting for the day that we can all be reunited as a family.

Our Family

It has been a crazy couple of weeks since Ken has been born. Zac finished his finals and graduated in Mechanical Engineering. He got an internship at Rocky Mountain Power and will start his graduate program in Sustainable Engineering online from Villanova this fall. We blessed Ken on Sunday, which was also Mother's Day, and it was such a great day. Easton is still completely obsessed with Ken and covers him in kisses all day long. We feel truly blessed with everything that has come our way lately.

Ken Carlson Cloward

Ken was born on April 28th at 12:16 A.M. after the easiest delivery imaginable. He weighed 8 pounds 7 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long. He is the best baby, never cries and is just always content. Easton is beyond thrilled and loves to show Ken off to everyone every chance he gets. It is so fun to watch him with Ken, you can tell how much he loves him already. We are all so excited to have this cute little guy join our family.

One Year Later...

Tuesday was our one year mark since Kamdyn passed away and I really can't believe it has been a year. The week that she died seemed to last ten years, but the rest of the time has gone by kind of fast. I think that is partly because we have just been kind of in a fog, and partly because our lives have been so busy. I never imagined that we would be dealt with this kind of tragedy, but I know that there is something we must need to learn from it. It seems at times we aren't meant to have many kids. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I had an awful pregnancy/delivery with Easton, and then it took us over a year to get pregnant with Kamdyn. I know that Heavenly Father gives us trials based on what matters most to us, but sometimes I wish he didn't know how much being a mom means to me! A few months ago in sacrament meeting, our Bishop was talking about how he went to a Jazz game and the ref made a terrible call for the other team, then the Jazz got the ball and he made a terrible call on them to "make up " for the bad call he had done. He compared that to Heavenly Father. Sometimes Heavenly Father has to do things that seem unfair or make our lives seem impossible to keep going, but he will always give us make up calls. I definately have felt many blessings or make up calls this past year and know without a doubt that Heavenly Father knows what we need and will never leave us alone. Easton was confused why we were getting flowers and gifts on Tuesday so I explained to him that it had been a year since Kamdyn died and people knew we would be sad that day. He got a really confused look on his face and said, "Mom, we aren't sad. As soon as we die or when Jesus comes, we will be a family with Kamdyn again." I just can't believe how much a three year old can understand and comprehend and how simple his faith is. He is always praying for Kamdyn and this morning in his prayers he prayed that he could be a good big brother and Kamdyn could be a good big sister to Ken. He has the biggest heart and I am so grateful for his example. I am thankful for all the amazing people we have in our lives and for Zac and Easton, they have truly kept me going. I think we have all aged about twenty years this past year, but we are so blessed to know that we will be reunited and will have a chance to raise Kamdyn again one day. The gospel is the best thing anyone can have in their lives and I am so thankful that my parents and Zac's parents taught us what was truly important so that we were able to make it through this past year.

SOCCER TIME!

Easton had his first soccer game yesterday and it was so much fun to watch him play! He was so timid and shy at first and just ran behind everyone but then was really getting into it. He did a great job and we love watching him as he experiences all his new adventures!

DISNEYLAND!

EASTON'S FIRST TIME SKIING!

My family went skiing and boarding at Park City for my Dad's birthday New Years Day and we thought it was the perfect time to get Easton on the slopes. My Dad was so great with teaching him and letting him ski between his skiis. We love how adventurous Easton is and how he loves trying new things.