I am not good with expressing my feelings, I am actually not even good at really feeling my feelings. I read so many blogs of angel moms (families who have lost a child) and their words touch me so deeply and I can completely relate to everything they say, but I struggle to put my feelings in my own words. For some reason I have just been down lately. The thing that I hate the most about grief is that it changes every day. Sometimes it feels like Kamdyn just died and the pain is so sharp and so fresh and other days I feel the pain but it is dull and I can move past it. I was reading a blog and she described her grief as being half awake and half asleep and I love that description. I feel like I am there, but something is missing. I cannot count the number of times people have told me that I have changed (I am pretty sure they meant that in a bad way), and I used to try so hard to get back to the person I was until I realized that person doesn't exist anymore. That realization has made a world of difference for me. I am not the Callee I was before I lost Kamdyn, but in many ways I think I have become a better person. I have realized that I have a strong testimony in the gospel and that I have faith. I have never asked "why me?" but I find myself asking a much worse question, "why not them?". When I go to the store and see moms that have no idea where their kids are, or am driving down the road and find little kids laying down in the street and I always think why doesn't something happen to them. It just doesn't make sense to think that all I did was put my baby girl to bed in a safe place and she didn't wake up in the morning. Where is the logic in that? I used to think there must have been something I could do, I should have stayed up all night and watched her sleep and make sure she was breathing, there should have been something I could do. Then I used to think, people always have mothers intuition, why didn't I? Did I have it and just not listen to it, was I not righteous enough to have that prompting? Then I realized that Heavenly Father is in charge. It is up to him to decide who gets to live only five short weeks or who gets to live 100 + years. Even though I know the plan of salvation, and that families are eternal, I still have some down in the dump days. Lately every where I go, I hear some mom talking about how hard it is to have 3 kids, and while I am sure it is a very big challenge, I wish they knew how hard it is to ONLY have 2 children when you would give everything just to have 3 children again. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with this post, but it does feel good to just write some feelings down. Life is not fair, and it is not fair for anyone, so maybe the fact that life is unfair for everyone is what makes things fair.
It is so crazy to think that Easton is old enough for kindergarten! He absolutely loves it and can't wait to go to school every day. It is so fun to watch him learn and grow.
Standing in front of his school
Waiting for the bus to come, I didnt let him ride the bus for the first week because I was nervous, but he loves the bus!
Zac came home from Costco one day with this giganic teddy bear, Ken just loves to cuddle it and wrestle it. Every morning he wakes up, he runs over and gives it a big hug.
My cute boys all ready for church
Easton loves living right next to the golf course, he is getting pretty good at the driving range
We went to Mapleton for the 24th of July and had so much fun, the fireworks were out of this world but it was wicked hot outside
My favorite people in the world came to Utah for a visit and we had so much fun catching up with the Fitisemanus and getting to see the Madills. It is always so funny when we go to lunch and the hostess asks how many there are, there is always 3 adults and 8 kids!
These three have grown up together and are the best of friends.
Not sure what is going on here, but it is hilarious none the less!
Ken is in love with pillows, he will cuddle on a pillow all day if you let him. I came out of my office one morning and found Ken asleep on the floor.
There was a really cute park by our old apartment and the boys loved to play all day long
We took the kids on a picnic one night for dinner
We were able to spend the 4th of July weekend at our family cabin in Scofield
Easton and Pa on the wave runner
The cabin across the street had puppies and so Ken was in heaven, all he wanted to do was play with the dogs
We had our family pictures taken so we snuck in a pic on our camera
I ran another half marathon with two of my sisters last weekend
My sisters and I after the race
Then we headed over to Seven Peaks and had so much fun, it was sooo hot but the kids had a blast
Even though all 3 of them look really grumpy, I promise we had fun!
Easton loves to be wrapped like a taco in his blanket so of course Ken had to be wrapped up too
Ken is a wrestler and Easton loves every minute of him tackling and getting him!
We had such a fun weekend in Park City! We rented a town house that could fit all the fam and ate way too much, laughed way too hard, and played cards until our hands hurt!
We also celebrated Eastons birthday again, this time with my family there.
My cute nephew Max
My family has been so amazing to support us since Kamdyn passed away. We all met at the cemetery and my Mom read a story from this past conference. It was the story about the little girl who was in the hospital and kept describing to her parents all the people in the room with her, and they were all her family that had passed away. Then she described how all the kids in the hospital had angels with them. Needless to say, we were all crying and it was a very tender experience. I know that my family will always be watched over by our angel Kamdyn.
Just love all these guys so much! Thanks for all you do for us!
Zac is such a cute dad, he let Easton pick out what he wanted for breakfast. He got up early and made yummy french toast before he had to go to work.
The only thing Easton wanted to do on his birthday was go to Kangaroo Zoo with the Maddills, the kids played for hours and were so exhausted by the time we left.
Easton and Jackson, he seriously loves this kid!
Becky and I were taking all the little kids on all the slides and it was a workout trying to climb up the back of the inflatable slides with one hand and a baby in the other!
We are so grateful to have Easton and love him so much. He is such a fun little boy.
It is so crazy to think that Ken is already one, where did the last year go? When Easton turned one, we really didn't make a big deal about it, thinking he wouldn't know anyways but I really hate that excuse now. So we tried to make it a fun day for Ken. He woke up to a number one pancake for breakfast made by Zac.
After that yummy breakfast, I took the boys swimming to Fairmont and had a blast! Ken is such a little fish and not at all afraid of the water. He started crawling toward the water and I figured he would stop once he got a little wet, boy was I wrong. He crawled until the water was over his head and he was still crawling under water. He is going to be trouble this summer in the water!
We went out for birthday lunch and Ken got his first kids meal. He ate an entire grilled cheese sandwich and loved every minute of it.
He loved his presents but hated ripping the wrapping paper, he would get so mad each time I would make him tear it!
He had brownies and ice cream and loved it so much he had to lick his plate clean, didnt want anything to go to waste.
This isn't one Kens birthday but he looked so cute in his hat when we went and visited some great friends in the village.
We had both our families come up and have some cake and ice cream and had so much fun. I still don't know how we fit all those people in our house, but we did it!
